My thighs are too wobbly, and my stomach jiggles. My forehead is too big for the rest of my face. My moles are unsightly and my butt is too flat.
My body is disgusting. Disgusting.
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Life will be better and we will all be happy when we are thinner and have less wrinkles, right?
Let’s reminisce about the time I entered a bikini competition.
Who wouldn’t want to look like a fitness model? Imagine how happy I would feel if I had a figure like that girl on Instagram, toned and smiling. Or her, her life looks magnificent and she just makes it look so easy. All it will take is some self-discipline in the kitchen and a few extra sessions at the gym and that could be me.
There I was. You would find me in the gym 5.30 every morning busting out my weights programme. I’d get home and methodically prepare my prescribed oats, blueberries and protein powder for breakfast. At morning tea, I’d inhale a couple of rice crackers with a smear of peanut butter and decline the raspberry buns on offer in the staff room yet again. I’d clock watch until it was lunch time to demolish the chicken, kumara and vegetables I had carefully measured out that morning and so the rest of my day would go until it was time to head back to the gym to complete my prescribed treadmill session.
For 12 weeks, the process consumed me, I became obsessive about calories, macros and my physical appearance. My mindset and attitude was dictated by my body fat percentage and I became socially isolated as I turned down invitation after invitation, too anxious about what I’d be able to eat if I went out.
I was increasingly uncomfortable with what I was slowly learning was required to be stage ready too. It wasn’t just a few nips and tucks on the diet and exercise. Thermogenic supplements used to increase the heat in the body and in turn affect the body’s metabolism were recommended to me without any potential side effect risks being explained. As stage day drew closer I would be required to take a form of laxative and other dehydrators to rid my body of fluid to achieve that ripped look under the lights and for the cameras.
If that was just the beginning, it sounded like a slippery slope to a very dark world in pursuit of the elusive perfect body.
I had overhauled my diet and my exercise regime and I was the leanest I had ever been. I took a few progress photos and I remember feeling deflated. My tummy was starting to show some definition but it needed to be better, I still had fat to drop and muscle to build.
Looking at that image 5 years on, 8 months after having a child, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I want to wind back the clock and shake my 23 year old self and tell her it wasn’t worth it.
It wasn’t worth it because of what I don’t think when I look at this photo.
Despite being lean, it doesn’t ignite memories of contentment and happiness. My relationship with my body was worse off as I scrutinised things I had never considered before. My relationships with the people around me suffered as I became isolated and my career, quite frankly, remained unaffected.
Have you worked out why I was no happier yet?
Kindness, love, intelligence, passion, creativity and determination, strength and capability, these important happiness attributes are not influenced by the way we look.
When is it that we learn that our bodies are imperfect and need to be fixed? When do we make that connection between our appearance and our self-worth?
It makes no difference to my 8 month old daughter how big my forehead is or how wobbly my tummy is.
From the time we can comprehend our surroundings, advertising preys on self-doubt, encouraging us to perceive a problem with our body size, skin tone or dress sense and then gratifyingly provides the weight loss and muscle toning or anti-aging solution. Malls, department stores, television and social media – they are all insecurity dens.
The thing is, I am no longer that susceptible girl I was. My body is not disgusting. It is an amazing machine that carried and birthed a child, that can race in triathlons and can keep up with the daily demands of life.
I wish more people understood the cost of achieving the physique of a fitness model and I wish that it wasn’t so glamourised. I wish my teenage sisters could scroll through their social pages and be inspired by the capability of women all shapes and sizes. I hope and pray that I manage to model positive behaviours, and raise Everly to have a healthy relationship with her body.
Let’s start the change within ourselves
Stop thinking that one day, when I’m thin enough, or less wrinkly, I’ll be happy. Don’t wait until you have lost weight to swim with your kids at the beach, to be in photos or to be intimate with your partner.
Choose now to live, choose now to be happy. Choose now to be strong and capable, passionate, creative, loving and determined. Your body deserves love and respect, just the way it is.